K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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