You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
