I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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