last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
