my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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