So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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