I want to have your abortion
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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