I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
