I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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