Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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