Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
