Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
