she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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