I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize