Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
