i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
