Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
