I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
