The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
