Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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