I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
