The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
