So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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