She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
