Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
