dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
