I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
