I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize