At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
