I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
