life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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