seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
