Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
