I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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