brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
