You smell like a Billy Joel song
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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