so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
