in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
