I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
