Where are you?
In a non slutty way
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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