go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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