Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Houston, we have a squirter
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
