This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
