The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All I want is dick and wine.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
