I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
