Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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