Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
