I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
