I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
