Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Randomize
