So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Randomize
