I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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