every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
