the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
