this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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